Besharam – Movie Review

Not only one has to be a ‘Besharam’, but also a ‘dheet’ to complete watching the movie ‘Besharam’. Half of the crowd in the cinema hall left during Interval, and one wonders, why did it take them so long?

It is difficult to describe genre of this Ranbir Kapoor starrer. If it is a comedy, it should have been funny (forced toilet humor is vulgar, not funny), if it is a romantic affair, where was the chemistry between lead pair? As for script of the movie (if it had one), I suggest for any future assignments director Abhinav Kashyap  (Dabangg fame) should assure Rajive Bharnwal (Writer) of payment, because this script for sure was either churned out for free, or as a favor.

Usually Ranbir Kapoor’s movies include several chart busters. The fact that ‘Besharam’s songs didn’t even make it to my brother in law’s  mehndi’s dance list last week, says it all. Lalit Pandit (Music) has given a mediocre score to the movie which in most departments was even less than mediocre.

I did wonder why Ranbir Kapoor chose this movie. Sure he does not have dearth of offers. Perhaps it was a desire to play something different (read ‘Tapori’) from his usual ‘growing up’, ‘getting to know himself’ sort of up-market roles. One cannot really blame his effort. He did act as per brief. Pallavi Shardi, who plays Ranbir’s love interest (I must confess I had to google her name) was plain average.  Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh were okay, but one expected more. Javed Jaffrey left an impact in a negative role.

I am not sure what to say of direction, some action scenes showed hangover of Dabangg, difference being it was Rishi Kapoor playing Salman Khan. Within first half an hour, you get the feeling you know what is going to happen next. Over all, ‘Besharam’ is a down trotted version of a typical 80’s masala fair, to be avoided at all cost.

Hammad aka Hamster, my favourite blogger- takes on one of my favourite shows – Coke Studio. All in good spirit.

Badshaah Salaamat Khush Huwa

As reported today in national media, President of Pakistan Master Asif Ali Zardari conferred 189 civil awards on Republic Day. The reason I mentioned Master instead of Mister is quite obvious, the whole process of conferring civil awards has been treated like a Master awarding his followers. It felt like a movie based on period drama, where a King is bestowing his cabinet with jewels.

Kiyoon? Maan gaye na?

I have somehow managed to get hold of a copy of the document which describes rationale (if any), reasons and achievements of award winners. This comes through an unreliable source so cannot be trusted.  Anyhow, this is how it goes.

Beghum Nusrat Bhutto (Nishan-e- Imtiaz, NI): Presidency  tried to awards her a ‘khitaab’ of Shaheed, but technically and legally was not able to do so. This also meant Nishan-e-Haider was out of question. So in recognition of her services for democracy in Pakistan (Democracy by the way is the best revenge, and Beghum Bhutto must take some blame for selecting our Master for her late Shaheed daughter) she has been conferred with Nishan-e-Imtiaz.

Late Mr. Salman Taseer (NI): Since President could not attend his funeral, he decided to confer Late. Mr. Salman Taseer with Nishan-e-Imtiaz.

Mr. Farooq Hamid Naeq (NI): For being Chairman Senate, simple as that.

Dr. Fehmida Mirza (NI): For her stone faced reactions during the whole Zulfiqar Mirza episode, President has conferred Nishan-e-Imtiaz on Dr. Sahiba. Awaam (you and me) has no clue which side Dr. Sahiba has been on throughout the show, and still doesn’t know. What they do know, is that Zulfiqar Mirza’s provincial assembly seat now belongs to his son Shehriyaar Mirza. Both PPP and Zulfiqar Mirza claim it as their victory.

Senator Dr. A Rahman Malik (NI): Since Senator Rahman Malik would not leave Presidency till he gets confirmation of NI, so he is also conferred with Nishan-e-Imtiaz. Rahman Malik also made Altaf Bhai call Master Zardari to make sure award is conferred (or MQM would have left coalition).

Mr. M Salman Faruqi (NI): For giving Pakistan a daughter (actually niece) like Sharmila Faruqi, and for being and old time accomplice of Master, in destruction of Pakistan Steel Mill during previous PPP regimes, Master has conferred Mr. Faruqi with Nishan-e-Imtiaz.

By now the ‘Imtiaz’ has vanished from Nishan-e-Imtiaz, thus leaving only a Nishaan behind. Thus we come to Hilal-e-Imtiaz.

Ms. Sharmeen Obaid Chinoy (Hilal-e-Imtiaz, HI): Apparently this lady has won highest possible award in her trait, and everyone is talking about her achievements, so let’s give her a Hilal-e-Imtiaz as Presidency has run out of quota for Nishan-e-Imtiaz which ofcourse went to more ‘deserving’ winners. Afterall, Presidency needs to add some goodwill to the awards show too. (Warning: She may feel lost in the esteemed company of other award winners)

Mrs. Farzana Raja (HI): For successfully acting as Business Development Manager for PPP in the capacity of Chairperson BB Income Support Program (actual details of achievements to be made public by Accountability Bureau of next government), the Master has awarded Mrs. Farzana Raja with Hilal-e-Imtiaz. (Clarification: No relation with Ramiz Raja)

Mr. Farhatullah Babar (HI): It takes some conviction, guts and balls to repeat what Master says for his public. Mr. Farhatullah Babar in his capacity as spokesman of Presidency has a very difficult job to do. He issues Master’s statements on his behalf (usually writes them too). So basically just for doing that, he is conferred with Hilal-e-Imtiaz.

Mrs. Nargis Sethi (Sitara-e-Imtiaz): Presidency has no clue why Mrs. Sethi, but hey, what the heck, who is going to stop it.

Sharmila Faruqi (SI): For having world’s best uncle (Mr. Salman Faruqi), President is conferring Sharmila Faruqi with Sitara-e-Imtiaz.

Mr. Hussain Haqqani (HI): For introducing the world and Pakistan to the character that is Mr. Mansoor Ejaz, Master has conferred Mr. Haqqani with Hilal-e-Imtiaz. Although Mr. Haqqani wanted the khitaab of ‘shaheed-e-jamhooriat’ but backed off after its consequences were revealed to him.

Meera (Pride of Performance): The award was actually meant for Veena Malik but ISI vetoed it, since Presidency had to give it to some actress, the only which could come to Mr. Farhatullah Babar’s mind was Meera, thus Pride of Performance is conferred on her. It does not necessarily means Presidency is actually proud of any of her performances (except few behind the door ones)

As part of standard operating procedure, Presidency has also awarded Pride of Performance to some prominent performers in their respective fields. The names which came out through ballot this year are Sahira Kazmi (art); Mohsin Gilani (actor); Noman Ejaz (actor); Saba Hameed (actress); Meera (film actress); Javaid Sheikh (actor); Muhammad Yousaf (cricketer); Suhail Asghar (artist); Sakeena Sammon (artist)

President has instructed respective Governors to dish out these awards in respective Governor Houses so that Master’s time can be saved.

Applications are being accepted for next year’s Nishan-e-Imtiaz at the moment (democracy permitting).

Misbah-ul-Curse

Warning: This post is written in a fit of rage, right after Pakistan’s defeat in third T20. If you don’t know the background, go and do whatever you were doing.

Warning 2 (Afterthought) : This post is not to be taken seriously. Even if it is bad, it is afterall humor. You are not supposed to blow up people’s houses over bad humor.

Misbah-ul-Curse

Misbah-ul Haq is that unique character, which brings out extremely diverse reactions from cricket fans. There are Imran Farhats whose very sight brings barrage of expletives. Then there are ever popular Shahid Afridis or Shoaib Akhters who despite all their flaws remain heartthrobs. But then there is this guy, who despite his seemingly simple demeanor and supposedly honest efforts makes me (and countless others) to whack his head with his very own bat. It makes me forget he was captain of that famous green wash. It makes me hate the Y of ‘Yeah Ofcourse’.

Misbah at his aggresive best

Now on a second thought, it’s not just Misbah’s fault. As my friend Sami mentioned on twitter, ‘this is one of the worst Pakistan chases I have seen, and I have seen pretty bad ones’.  So have I. I am really tempted to mention few here.

Mohali 2011: I know what happened, you know what happened. And we all know who did it. Do you really want to go through it?

Somewhere in South Africa 2007: Whether it was in Johannesburg or Durban, who the hell cares. I have tried to erase this game from my memory and so far I have only succeeded in erasing the venue. Rest is still there. Yes, it was Misbah who played that scoop, and forgot there is a Mallu in every corner of the world. More so, at short fine leg. Bastard.

Where it all began.

After it all began

Now that we are on the subject of some classic Pakistan collapses, I will do Misbah a favor and mention some where he was not present.

Sydney 1992 and 2010: Chasing 216, Pakistan was bundled for 170 odd against (no points for guessing) India in a vital world cup match after a comfortable start. They were 100 odd for 2 at one stage. Winning the world cup helped us forget this game. However, 2010 will be tough to forget. Shadows will forever remain over something which only God knows was a collapse of Pakistani proportions or something shady.

Banglore 1996: Yes, India again. Chasing 287, Pakistan scored 248. One word, actually two words but one name. Aamir Sohail. But you know what, I would rather have Aamir Sohail than Misbah.

Faisalabad 1997: Chasing 140 odd against South Africa, Pakistan was shot out for 93. I just remember variety of poor shots.

I can continue few more but it will derail me from the subject of Misbah-ul-haq, as for now, I want to blame him for everything in my life.

As another friend Obaid said on twitter: Misbah-ul-haq, tujhey Allah poochey ga.

Self Explanatory

Oh, and if I was Mobilink Jazz Brand Manager, I woudn’t be running this Jazz- Yeh Khel Apna hai commercial featuring tuk tuk.

Afterthought: I am adding this portion after recieving about 23 emails in response. Only four of which can be be published due to certain ‘rangeeli’ language being used in it. But in anycase, I am happy with the response. It proves 1) Misbah actually has a fan club 2) I have cracked the code to bigger audience. This is already my most viewed post, within 12 hours.

For those who wrote hatemail, and are harmless: This is my blog bitches, go write your own blog. It is effing confusing to select from several platforms and then to come up with contect is not as easy as I thought it would be. So, either deal with it or deal with it.

For those who wrote hatemail, and are NOT harmless: Payen, i was just joking. Tussi te naraaz hogai?? I agree Misbah is the greatest captain Pakistan has had before and after Imran Khan. I believe he should remain captain of all three formats, and also of under-19 team so it can develop, and players like Awais Zia should be taught a lesson at an early stage.

30 things about me

Idea came from twitter of-course. And the fact that I thought no one really read them when I actually did mention few things about me. So apart from the fact that I wanted attention, I did not really have a topic in mind for next post. I then thought why would anyone be interested in reading 30 things about me, it’s not as if I am Justin Bieber, but then I thought why anyone would read my blog. Truth is there aren’t many who read my blog. Those who do will read this one too. If you are not one of them, let’s just say if I was you, I won’t read this. So, in no particular order or preference, here are 30 things about me.

–   I am down with flu at the moment.

–   I love winters, even though it gets me flu.

–   I have never excelled in any of my hobbies. I master them just enough so I can talk about them. E.g. guitars and sports. I fear blogging would be next.

–   A Chinese post graduate in Liverpool once asked me where Pakistan is located. And then went on to ask can we in Pakistan hear noise when US bombs Afghanistan.

–   Racist slurs directed at me during my stay in UK never bothered me, I actually found them funny. My favorite was ‘you f**king Saddam’.

–   I went to Liverpool John Moore’s University only because my friend also got admission there. No regrets though.

–   In 8^th grade, I went straight from being cricket team’s 12^th man to Captain and led team in final. This change happened because there was a revolt against captain and team couldn’t agree on any of the other 11 players as captain. We lost final by 1 wicket and I scored a magnificent 1 run. Next year, I was 12^th man again.

–  I picked up guitar because of Salman Ahmed (Junoon). In my last job, I turned down an opportunity to sponsor his solo performance because I knew he would be singing. Felt guilty afterwards.

–  First urdu audio tape I ever bought was Vital Signs first album. First English audio album I bought was a Best of Bryan Adams compilation.

–   I am writing this post primarily because my wife is watching Sony TV. I am waiting for this drama to finish so my turn of remote can come. (Hey, at-least it’s not Humsafar).

–  I cannot decide on my all time favorite cricket match. Too many options. My all time favorite cricket series would be 2005 Ashes.

–  My all time favorite football match would be 2004 Champions League final. Liverpool came from 3 goals down to beat AC Milan (Barcelona of that era) on penalties. Thinking of that night in Istanbul still gives me goose bumps.

–  My current car, Honda City is the first car I have bought from my own money. Previously I have either had cars bought by Baba or company maintained cars.

–  I am actively looking for a job, yes, still. In the words of great sadistic band Staind, ‘It’s been a while’.

–  I am a sucker for gangster movies. Al Pacino is greatest.

–  During my agency life, once in a client meeting, somehow porn started running on big projector screen. I looked at my colleagues and they all pretended as if they haven’t looked at screen at all. Our lady client left the board room. All this time my boss was frantically pressing his keyboard keys to somehow stop the show. (I know what exactly happened but I can’t reveal everything here).

–  I should start counting these points now.

18 – Anybody who was a friend in school days is now settled outside Pakistan. UK, Australia, USA, KSA, UAE etc.

19 – As much as David Gilmour (Pink Floyd) is the best song writer I have come across, Eric Clapton beats him hands up and feet tied when it comes to playing guitars.

20 – When I visited Lords, I felt like a small child. Can’t wait for the day when I take a tour of Anfield.

21 – Someday I will buy a drum kit, and a keyboard. Even though I will never be able to master them too.

22 – One of my clients planned a lawn exhibition; I forgot (over worked, under resourced) to forward an approved media plan to media department. His exhibition took place without a print campaign, and we blamed all the news papers in the plan. That’s the only work blunder I can think of.

23 – A friend of mine is working with Gulzar Sahab for an upcoming advertising campaign, wish it was me.

24 – I try to avoid conflicts at all costs. To the point of some times agreeing to points I shouldn’t be.

25 – I am comfortable working behind the scenes and without taking credit.

26 – I would like to change point number 25 in my next job, hasn’t served me well.

27 – Is anyone still reading this, if you are, I already like you. Appreciate your patience.

28 – Blues and Jazz are fast taking over Rock as my favorite genre of music. But I would listen to anything sensible.

29 – A friend of mine is also working with Salman Khan for his next advertising campaign. I am happy for him, but don’t really wish it was me. My wife does wish it was her.

30 – I have another mundane day lined up tomorrow.

Replug – 2011

As 2011 comes to an end, we get ready to read all sort of reviews for the year. They are done to put the past year in perspective, evaluate and learn, or just to write another blog post because it’s been a while and you are craving for attention from your regular bunch of five readers. Which category does this attempt falls in is for you to decide.

On our local front, we did not really have any PR disasters of Charlie Sheen proportion. We actually had bigger disasters. I would start with my favorite punch bag i.e. our government. With change in the air and almost unavoidable in 2012, when being the only question, I must admit I will in some ways miss this PPP government. This government inspired me to write, and gave me A list material to build upon. How can I ever thank government’s mouth piece Rehman Malik. Below is re-plug of some of his famous sayings in past year.

“They were wearing western clothes like in Star Wars.”

This was said during PNS-Mehran incident briefing. It took me some time to decide whether to laugh or cry on this. This statement infuriated Star Wars fans. He further added “They were smart looking young men”. I think he stopped short of saying “It seemed like they use to work out”. His red alert declaration seemed more like pink alert.

Rehman Malik - as he always should be

And then when Karachi was burning, he came up with a master piece, ““Majority of target killings in Karachi are done on behest of wives and girl friends”. Since I am myself tired of cracking on jokes on this one, I will let it go. Timing is definitely not his forte, on eve of world cup semi final against arch rivals India, he warned his own team of staying away from match fixing with his cover of Police’s rendition of ‘every move you make’.

These days, Malik Sahab is personally looking into Veena Malik’s FHM cover to determine whether it’s fake or not. He is still looking.

But then I cannot blame Rehman Malik when he has a boss like PM Gillani. Yes, I know who the real boss is, but technically speaking it is PM Gillani.  Our Prime Minister’s first reaction on OBL raid was to congratulate entire world on end of terrorism. The world went silent. PM Gillani went silent. Then suddenly PM Gillani’s clock tuned to AM (perhaps after a call from GHQ) and the usual “this is not fair, this is not allowed” cry began.

Mein bolooon ke na bolooon?

PPP lot generally is a very innocent and naïve lot. Take Makhdoom Ameen Faheem for example, when questioned during a corruption scandal about source of 40 million rupees in his bank account, he replied,  “ I am not sure why someone has deposited 40 million in my account. It must have been a mistake”. My bank account definitely needs that mistake.

Intelligence (and stupidity) has a trickledown effect in organizations. Only yesterday I was enlightened by a friend that Bilawal Bhutto’s exclusive article (supposedly a tribute for his mother) in a local daily was part plagiarized. He is after all co-chairman of the party.

All of this was avoidable; Bilawal could have just hired a ghost writer (if it was already written by a ghost writer, then a better and smarter working ghost writer is need of the day). Rest of them could have just shut up.

What I will not miss in 2012 is Mr (true to his last name) Ejaz Butt. When we make noise about destruction of PIA, Railways and Steel Mill during present regime, we somehow forget about PCB. My only comment for him is; good riddance.

All disasters on one side, Karachites will remember 2011 for one name. Nabeel Khokhar. In short, below is what we are holding our breath for. Just in case the self proclaimed poorly endowed gentleman hasn’t learned as yet.

Tadaaaa.....I am back !!!

Here’s a toast for 2012. May the change be for good.

Vote !!

Yes, you are all geared up to vote Imran Khan in next general elections, regardless of when they happen. But before that happens, there are more important elections taking place in Pakistan.

No kidding Sherlock !!

All you have to do is click on Pakistan Blog Awards 2011 and click on those 5 stars. Remember, it’s not going to cost you any money, so if you click on anything less than 5 stars, you are just proving yourself to be really stingy. Oh, and you better do it now, because voting u aends on 28th November, 2011. Yeah, I should’ve told you earlier but it’s I just found out I could promote myself shamelessly here. I am not sure if your one vote will count, but I don’t want to take any risks you know.

If I win, well then I just win. What do you expect? Haven’t you learned anything from democracy yet? If you are a judge reviewing my blog, please have mercy. I have been a good boy lately.

faux pas

I am not a fashion critic. I don’t want to be one, and I am not trying to be one. But I can safely bet, I can differentiate right from wrong, on a very basic level at least. I mean, I can tell when my hair needs a trim, or at least a wash. I can trust myself not to come in public with a hairdo which is rather ‘do-not-do’, something which will make audience run towards exit assuming there is either a short circuit somewhere, or may be a cracker blast.

Annie and the short circuit

So the point I am trying to make is, it really is common sense. Even if someone is trying to fool you into doing something on the pretext of making you look cool, you should be able to say  No, I cannot, rather will not do that. If you fail to say that, following is what can happen.

Saleem Jawed and the Towel

Now let’s be honest here, I am not a fan of Saleem Jawed’s music. Although one should respect the guy for having survived donkey years in this industry. But frankly, I would have rather died than do this. This album cover is probably from his struggling years. One can see poor guy has struggled to get hold of a decent shirt for his photo shoot, thus had to tuck in what looks like errr.. a towel . On a closer look one can see album is titled ‘Music Poison’ with a snake on top probably as an honest warning. How this album cover survived our strict censor board from 8o’s is quite an enigma. Not only did the cover survive, but also the artist and his audience.

Saleem Javed - Muse for Pussy Cat Dolls

So it seems like plenty of people bought music poison and survived. Actually enough people bought for the artist to buy a shirt, and shit load of other accessories we can see from his 3^rd album’s cover. This futuristic look later became inspiration for Pussy Cat Dolls’ wardrobe. The arrow going through the heart probably depicts the artistic suffering Saleem Javed was going through. But he did not stop there.

Saleem Jawed and the dance partner

They say action speak louder than words. And that’s why they say it. Album is titled ‘Dance with me’. And it seems the artist Saleem Jawed has a cute little dance partner hanging on to him. Whether that shows dearth of opposite sex in his neighborhood or just his preference for this kind is open to discussion. Good thing is, he again has a shirt on. If you have noticed I am not consistent in my spellings of the artist’s name, that’s because his album covers have used different spellings.

I really don’t hate Saleem Jawed or Javed. His albums covers were simply amusing. Just as this one from once a pop icon Ali Haider.

No this was not sponsored by ‘Tarang’, but it might have inspired ‘Tarang’ because this too has a Pakistani festive mood, lots of women dancing, fireworks and a dude probably doing ‘poondi’. How else can you describe it? If you can, have a go.

Whether you love or hate Atif Aslam’s music, there is no denying the fact that he has been accepted in a big way across the border. But below is the original Atif Aslam, who also was a huge cross over hit with his epic ‘Hawa Hawa’. This is what they mean when they say ‘fashion comes back’.

Retro and Modern

Country Music has never really taken off in Pakistan, but that doesn’t means it hasn’t affected Pakistani artists. Below is a local Ajnabi-boy’s take on country make over, complete with hat and leather jacket. Why did Aamir Saleem need that leather jacket in Karachi is still being debated.

Aamir Eastwood

Noble Piece Price

The 2011 Nobel peace prize was recently awarded to Tawakkul Karman, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, and Leymah Gbowee of Liberia, all leaders in their respective countries for promoting civil rights and bringing peace. Please don’t mind my general knowledge but I was not aware of the fact that there even was a problem in Liberia in the first place. It just sounds like a cool place somewhere in Europe. Now that I have googled it, I know it is not. More on Liberia some other time.

Forgive me for being estranged with global peace initiatives (if such a term exists). I am usually more occupied with trying to hide my cell phone so that it is saved from being snatched on the streets of Karachi. I am also occupied with returning home in ‘one piece’, hopefully in times of peace and preferably not tied in a bori (bag). The fact that I have so far survived s in itself a tribute to our local ‘Peace Players’. The fact that I recite Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will survive’ every morning is another story.

We Karachites are more than aware of these scenarios and thus it surprises me, how in hell none of our ‘Peace Players’ ever get nominated for these fancy awards. My first reaction was to blame BCCI, Indian, Jewish and Americans for it. More introspective made me believe there might be a Karzai hiding somewhere in the panel of judges’ short listing.

So I came up with this idea. I approached a local electronics company and they have agreed to sponsor this event thus we can manage to keep the name ‘Noble Piece Price’. Through this award we will glorify most noble piece in our local peace keeping missions. Price because we ‘awaam’ pay the price. Here are our nominees:

Rehman Baba: Apart from the President, he has recently been awarded by PIA for accumulating most air miles by constantly travelling between Islamabad and Karachi and London. So much so that eventually other players (both in Karachi and London) became sick (quite literally) of his sight. There were also ‘Oh No, Not Again’ banners spotted on his arrival in Karachi and London. He brings lots of crap of highest order to our local scene. In another life he would have been a statistician doing a day job of a detective. More likely to be a Pink Panther sort rather than Sherlock Homes.

Famous Quotes:

“They were wearing western clothes like they do in Star Wars.”

“Majority of target killings in Karachi are done on behest of wives and girl friends”

Bhai:
Bhai has numerical advantage in Karachi and some other parts of Sindh. Loves talking on phone and half of his party budget was utilized in long distance calls until recently when he came across Skype. There are rumors Bhai will soon be named Brand Ambassador for Skype. I don’t exactly remember if his party is currently part of government or not but if it’s not then it will soon be. If it is, then soon it won’t be. That how it’s been.  Bhai’s one word (read phone call) opens and shuts Karachi. Bhai is and will die a legend. In fact I won’t even be surprised if he never dies.

Famous Quotes:

“Pardey mein rehney do, Parda na uthao”

“O Jageerdaaaaaaaraaaaaaaa”

“Salaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam”

Dr Sahab: Dr. Sahab closely went from being President’s best man on wedding to a total outcast. From Karachi’s Mr. Police to a celebrity vigilante. But in the process, won hearts of Sindhi Nationalists and single handedly managed to burn Karachi before apologizing. Some say all of that was part of the ‘big picture’ but fact is, his television interviews and press conferences are now stuff of the Prime Time and make TV ratings reach moon and probably stars too. If Bhai is an entertainer, Dr. Sahab is a ‘Baap of entertainment’. He is mixture of Amitabh Bachan and Chuck Norris all in one package. Has no control what so ever on what he is about to say and thus his party has put a big billboard outside its office which reads “That’s so very his personal opinion”. He gets nomination because he claims he can bring peace in Karachi in one week, but due to his words(which are usually spoken louder than actions) leads to appeals of peace from others.

Famous Quotes:

“Nangay Bhookay”

“Mera Khandaan yeh, Mera Khandaan Woh”

“Rehman Baba jaisey Bhai per laanat bhejta hoon”

Voting starts now.

feel good

You don’t really wish anyone; even your enemy to see the sight of a hospital, especially with someone dear in critical health, unless of course you consider present government regime as your enemy in which case all is fair. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of staying in hospitals across
Pakistan usually as an attendant and extremely rarely as a patient. As much as there are various differences, number of familiarities are remarkable, especially in their staff’s behavior pattern.

I have just returned from a ‘night duty’ as an attendant and it beats me every time, how a group of new shift staff barge into the room, wake up patient from the sleep to say, “As Salaam Wa Alaikum, we are the new staff on shift, if you need anything just ring that bell.” As much as I appreciate
good service, I also detest lack of common sense. Hello? You just woke up a patient to say ‘ring that bell if you need something’?  He knows precisely why that bell is there for. Usually this conversation is followed by yours truly giving the group leader his version of ‘you shouldn’t have done that’ outside the room which results in silent treatment from staff when you actually call them through that bell next time.

What usually happens however is after 8 hours a new shift of staff barges in smiling to say, you know what they say. Then there is this endless stream of nurses and duty doctors who wake up patients to ask ‘Hello, how are you feeling?’ Lot better when I was sleeping, is patient’s guess.

If that’s not enough, there is always that cleaning staff who waits just enough for the patient to sleep again so he/she can do his/her share of spoils.

This in my experience happens in all hospitals at least in Karachi. Be it the evergreen AKUH, the president blessed Ziauddin Hospital or the new ‘burger’, ‘trendy’, ‘in’ thing South City Hospital, located in the posh South of the City I live in.

There is a slick café located in South City Hospital named ‘The Courtyard’. It would give Karachi’s fine dining restaurants a run for their money not for the food, but the money it charges. They have their own set of senseless rules. You can’t order a 70 rupees cup of tea (yes, 70 rupees for a cup of tea) unless you order at least a starter (minimum price 360 rupees). So when I ordered some ‘wonton’ to basically have a cup of tea, I was presented gravy dish called ‘Kung Pao Chicken’. The name sounds like a Punjabi dude trying Kung fu, but that’s not the point here. When I confronted the waiter (who at least had a good sense of humor) about choice of dish, he insisted that this is what I ordered. I replied that my order does not even sounds similar to this gravy dish and did he not wonder why I am ordering gravy with a cup of tea? He replied, he actually did wonder why am I ordering but he can’t judge my sense of taste and choice,cheeky bastard.

To be fair to them, I did get my wonton, and the food is alright.

A friend was recently posting a lot about a certain ‘hot nurse’ while he was attending his father in hospital. It surprised me a lot because somehow this creature has eluded me. No matter what reason we go to hospital for, somewhere deep inside, we are always looking for a ‘hot nurse’. You know the sort we see in porn but never see in the real hospital? Not even something close. The only ‘hot nurse’ I have come across is the ‘hot headed’ nurse. Unlike the non-existent ‘hot nurse’, she is found abundantly in all hospitals. She is pissed off like hell, always complaining either about a fellow colleague, the hospital management, salary, work load, visitors, and other patients. When she gives you an injection, boy you know you have got it. This is all the pleasure you are going to get from her.

Another night duty beckons, so have to take some sleep.